Thursday, October 15, 2015

Beach Sloth - It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside it’s what’s on the internet that counts 11.0

                Among the masterpieces of the world Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection is the best. Other forms of art are stupid compared to what Beach Sloth has effortlessly accomplished in his debut poetry publication. Writers yearn to truly navigate the depths of the human soul the way an anonymous dad sloth does with absolute ease. Throughout the collection Beach Sloth goes from hilarious to tragic in mere fractions of an inch. Of course this may be due to the font size but it is a grand testament to Beach Sloth’s powers as a highly blogging entity that his work appears to be perfected within these hallowed pages. 

                Trees give their lives for books but usually those books are not as good as Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection. Few things can be. Beach Sloth has for years, nigh decades, supported people. His credo of “Support Each Other” can be felt throughout the surprising debut poetry collection. At times dark and touching Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection takes a different approach from his actual blogging material. Yes the playfulness is still there. Yet there is specific commentary on some of the people that Beach Sloth truly cares for both people he has encountered and people he grew up with. For limiting the collection to random strangers, while fitting his blog’s aesthetic, is thrown aside for a more personal approach. 

                What is most interesting about Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection is the dearth of sloths. Throughout the collection Beach Sloth fails to mention much in the way of actual sloths. Maybe this is because Beach Sloth feels it is too painful to reflect upon growing up in a human’s world as a mere sloth covered in algae hanging off of trees. Currently few are interested in the secret lives of sloths excluding the valiant efforts of a select few biochemists who realize that sloth algae could provide a plethora of life-extending and life-improving pharmaceuticals. 

                Until such time as scientists are able to cure common ailments using sloth back algae, there is Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection. Sure maybe Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection will be unable to cure the common cold but it can improve the spirit and isn’t that just as good, if not better? There is a lot of harshness in life a lot of people who feel like doing it alone. Life does not need to be that way. People are social creatures and with Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection people will feel closer together. And that is better than any medicine. 

                Go HERE to learn more about the importance of Beach Sloth’s debut poetry collection,how to order, and how to have a fun time in general. 

Note for Book Price: While I have a 'pay what you want' feature I would say that the minimum suggested price for the book is $13 US/Canada, $18 International (I figure I am going to be sending a lot of stuff internationally).

Monday, July 27, 2015

Beach Sloth is creating Blogs

                Beach Sloth is a project I created officially on July 27th, 2010. I love blogging about people. There is so much culture to explore and support. Ever since I began Beach Sloth I have not needed a TV for anything. My life has been fulfilled seeing what wonderful pieces of work made it online into my browsers, my emails, my PDFs, my videos, and my music. Honestly thanks to Beach Sloth I have been exposed to more culture than I could ever possibly wrap my arms around. 

                That is why I created a Patreon account. I could use a few sponsors to help me meet my monthly expenses which are pretty small. I live frugally. At this point I do not need much to survive since I have cut down what I consider my needs. What I do know that I need, what I am passionate about, is all the wonderful people I have reviewed on this blog. Countless individuals that I have been fortunate enough to meet have become incredibly close friends, the kinds of friends that I can confide in and treat just like those people I have met in person.

                Financial support for Beach Sloth gives me a reason to spend a greater amount of time on auxiliary aspects of the project. Already I have released an e-book through Amazon, a chapbook I printed myself, an album free for download, an e-book released for free through Peanut Gallery Press (which has been favorably mentioned by Dennis Cooper), and a book through Dig That Book Co. So I try to keep Beach Sloth as active as I possibly can. 

                Everything I create for the blog shall continue to be free. I have great plans for Beach Sloth, including an eventual full-length book, another full-length album offered free of charge, and smaller e-books and chapbooks. People who feel like contributing money to me via Patreon can do so right

                I also understand a lot of my readership cannot afford to support me via Patreon. My presence on Patreon will not change anything about what I can for the blog. All it means is if someone wants to support me financially outside of the usual avenues of:

And – my Paypal account, which has since become an MEME 

             Recently I have also decided to start a Fiverr account which basically expands what I do on a regular basis into new forms. If you are interested in my Fiverr work (want something written, shared, re-tweeted, etc.) you can go:


They can. It is that simple. Nothing else will change. I shall continue Beach Sloth, this passion project of mine, because I think that what I do is rewarding in ways outside of mere monetary concerns. My ultimate goal for Beach Sloth is to have it financially support me and a small group of writers I particularly like (I have people in mind for this). That is far away but with Patreon that can become considerably easier. Thank you for reading this and thank you for coming to my little corner of the universe. 

                Additionally I would like to thank everyone who has been able to support me on Patreon. It means more to me than I can possibly express.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Advertising on Beach Sloth

                Today on this old Blog I have a special announcement: I am offering advertising up to whoever is interested. By no means is this going to dramatically change much of anything. After a few years of pouring my heart and scroll into this fine invention I’m ready to take things to the next level. 

                Advertising is in a few forms. Anybody interested in advertising can feel free to contact me at the following address:


                I use that address exclusively for anything payment or Beach Sloth business related. That address proved to be infinitely helpful whenever I have sold T-shirts or chapbooks. Anybody can buy either of those things from me still. 

                T-shirts, Buttons, Etc. go here.
                Chapbooks go here.

                I offer a few things for advertising purposes. As the blog is now an increasingly smaller part of what I do I also offer other places to advertise:

                My Twitter
                My Tumblr

                My advertising efforts have already begun prior to this post. Nobody has noticed yet so I figured now would be a great time to take things to the next level. Whoever is interested in advertising through any of my online platforms can do so. Simply email me, let me know what you need, what sort of prices you would be willing to pay, and what kind of advertising you are hoping to do (music, literature, other products, etc.). 

                Thus far my advertising efforts have been pretty successful since they have reinforced rather than taken away from what I have already done. Beach Sloth is a huge passion project for me. I hope to continue doing exactly what I love doing on all platforms. This project has taken on a life of its own. My initial estimate for the length of Beach Sloth was a year, tops, maybe two years. Now it is close to entering its fourth year, hence my desire to try and make this more sustainable for me. 

                Note that I am going to continue this Blog for the indefinite future. There is no specific end in sight for this site. I want to continue doing this with the least amount of interruption possible. I am infinitely thankful for everything everyone has managed to do for me. I have received great support for this project which is why it has continued this long. 

                Whoever is interested in simply donating me money (through the kindness of their heart) can do so via my PayPal account: I will continue to blog for you. That is a promise.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

18 Weird Things That Authors Do by a Reputable Website

                I get all my news from BuzzFeed. I’m a fucking idiot. Just kidding, I find BuzzFeed to be good though not overwhelmingly great. Sometimes thought BuzzFeed gets at the heart of the matter. Today it certainly did that with an article I will not soon forget. By diving into the psyche of an author they explore what it means to truly be a writer. I sat down at my computer to type out my thoughts about their list. 

1.       Wear pajamas all day and not shower until forced – this follows a strict author rule: prose before clothes. As a published author I often spend my days unclothed. That is the publishing world: pajamas are good enough for me.
2.       Eavesdrop on private conversations for plot fodder – oh boy I am guilty of this one. I often listen to conversations and use it for future blog posts or “stories” as nobody calls them.
3.       Pretend we don’t read reviews, when we do – not sure how reviews work. Few know I am even alive. I am a cult author not a popular one.
4.       Pretend we don’t get upset by reviews, when we do – somebody once called my writing lazy, but fuck that somebody, probably a loser of the lowest-ass caliber. Besides I’m a sloth so I am supposed to be lazy. Checkmate.
5.       How we deal with #4 – I generally feel great when a hater hates on me. Haters are going to hate and I got to respect my haters, however much I may disagree with them.
6.       What we use for sustenance while writing – in the BuzzFeed article there’s a GIF for coffee and cigarettes but I’m not a living breathing Jim Jarmusch film, though I do respect his craft.
7.       When we just wrote an awesome scene – when I write an awesome scene I send it to one of my two writer friends and they are usually like “I ate my couch stuffing today. I am so poor.” Then we trade funny stories about our favorite kinds of couch stuffing.
8.       When we reread the scene later and realize it sucks – I usually delete it. I have plenty of writing and an audience of about five to six people.
9.       When we get publishing deals – a great person published my poetry collection “It Doesn’t Matter What You Look Like on the Outside it’s what’s on the Internet that Counts”. I was happy about this deal, maybe not dancing happy, more like “cool, maybe I can get some respectability before I end the Beach Sloth project”.
10.   Stalk certain editors of certain publishing houses on social media – please do this. This is highly encouraged. Editors enjoy the attention and readings lots of manuscripts.
11.   When we get a shiny new idea – I don’t get ideas. Ideas get me.
12.   When we start writing the shiny new idea – people tell me I abuse my computer keyboard. I do. I live without regrets.
13.   When we’re halfway through writing the shiny new idea – yeah I go to sleep a lot. I’m a sloth.
14.   At our first book convention – I have never been to a book convention. Maybe I should go. What do y’all think?
15.   At our fifth book convention – I haven’t been to one yet so I really lack insight into the minds of book convention goers.
16.   How some people see us – honestly the only reason I continue writing is because of a small, yet vocal, group of people. Those people know who they are and know they have been watching me from afar for a long, long time. I love them.
17.   …How we really feel – this is a GIF from the Big Bang Theory. I hate that show. What a stupid piece of shit show.
18.   How people react when we tell them about our newest, latest, craziest novel idea – this is funny because everyone I tell my ideas to is probably just as weird as I am. I’m pretty much encouraged all the way. 

I hope this list has helped you make sense of BuzzFeed. I know it helped me read probably the second list I’ve ever finished on BuzzFeed.

Real Pants

                I am sick and tired of these fake pants telling me how to live my life. They are awful. For years I have tried to live some kind of pants-less life. Nobody supported me. Out in the cold with my legs a-quivering I had to grow leg hair to support myself. Some days I look down at my thick, lush leg hair and thank the goodness of the world that I survived the fake pants life. 

                Real Pants are coming to town. Kicking the fake pants to the curb, the Real Pants put their pants on one leg at a time. They know the world the pants wearing portion of it. Life with pants, Real Pants, is completely worth it. Every day people try to figure out if the day feels like a pants day or not. Some parts of the world near the equator understand that maybe pants aren’t the best idea given the extreme heat brought on by proximity to the sun. Yet they too want Real Pants just like everybody else does. 

                Mere hours are all that separates the fake pants from the Real Pants. The fake pants are getting ready, cashing out their 401Ks, Roth IRAs, planning on retiring down to Florida. Fake pants know they need to get to Florida because they are going to die. That is the only reason anybody goes to Florida: to die. Whoever says otherwise is a complete and total liar. Florida has no economy to speak of, no pants manufacturers, only a couple of orange juice producers and some sunlight. One day the world is going to catch up with Florida and truly make it realize what a sad sorry state that is. 

                Of course Florida would love to take on the fake pants, to give them a home. Real Pants do not move to Florida. Real Pants move to real places, places like Baltimore, the king of the Washington, D.C. Metro area. Sure politicians love Washington but Baltimore is where people have cheap dirty fun. The Real Pants of the world know this and flock to games in Baltimore in the hopes to do plenty of generally frowned upon things without any judgment. 

                The presence of Real Pants gets every party started. Party planners make people think, wrongly, that parties are started with party people. That is such a pathetic worthless lie. What really starts a party is the joy Real Pants bring. Real Pants understand literature. Real Pants are well-read, well-spoken, and well-groomed. Life with Real Pants begins in mere hours.